Monday, July 20, 2015

The good, the bad, and the ugly

I'm not sure why there's an expression, "the ugly truth." Isn't the really "ugly" stuff actually the most beautiful because it's the most real, the most honest, the most true? Well, I'm not talking about when someone who hasn't slept much in three days (you're looking at her), asks her husband whether he still thinks she's beautiful. No, that's just sweet fibs. I'm talking about those thoughts and feelings that we all have, but many of us don't want to admit them. Well, here's some good truth, some bad truth, and some ugly truth for you today. Because in the end, there's only truth.

Good- Levi's eyes turned brown! That's a normal milestone!
Bad- Silas has regressed in almost every area of life that he ever grew in before Levi was born.
Ugly- Levi's button site looks red again so we are headed back to GI for a consult this afternoon.

Good- Having Mathew home has been the biggest blessing I could imagine.
Bad- With Silas not sleeping along with two hour tube feedings, we are exhausted.
Ugly- Levi is not like a normal newborn, and there are so many cords attached to him and so many medical issues that we feel chained stay in the same room with him making life all the harder with Silas.

Good- We are starting to figure out a good med and milk schedule, and forced outings have proven to be successful! Plus, Levi hasn't needed oxygen since we've been home!
Bad- Our espresso maker broke!
Ugly- Here's some of my thoughts yesterday during an ugly truth moment-

I feel like I am gripping the side of a sky skraper balcony hanging on for dear life and each time someone or something tries to push a single finger, I scream. My exhaustion and fear have blended to create a sort of anger that feels displaced. I don't know why I'm angry, but with every two-year old tantrum, monitor mis-alarm, potty accident, or tangled cord, I snap with frustration. There's really no reason to be angry, which makes it all worse. I don't have a person to blame, but I yield to the fear and exhaustion. I think it's all related to fear. Fear I'll never get more than a wink of shut eye again. Fear that someone or something else will raise my son because I can't find the time. I am afraid I'll run out of time for my priorities. No time to spend with God. No time to spend with my husband. No time to be the creative and devoted mother and wife I want to be. I'm afraid I'll spend all my time doing rather than being. I'm afraid I'll lose sight of God's grace. I don't think there's anyone who can fix these fears because I don't want others living with us or taking my children away. I want to be the super mom I hear about in books and articles I want to be able to show peace and patience that only comes from God's presence. So I sit back, sip my coffee, breathe, and takes steps towards tomorrow. 

The Good- Today has been so much better than yesterday that I have hope again that I won't lose myself to fear.
The Bad- My husband can't live at home with us forever.
The Ugly- My hair these days.

As I remember Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He delivered me from all my fears." I know somehow we will keep going and make it through this.

I hope no matter what truth you are looking at, you know that God's truth will set you free from all fear!

God bless our double stroller/pack mule.
Levi's first visit to Silas' favorite park.
Levi's first out-patient therapy appointment!
~Ugly Buster

2 comments:

  1. Katie, Did you know the Bible tells us more than 25 times to be "Bold and Courageous?" Most people don't think they get 25 chances in a lifetime to be Bold and Courageous, right now you and Matthew get that many opportunities in an hour. Your courage is a beacon for goods grace, what a blessing to be able to shine so often. I know He loves you two for it, as do I. Dad

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  2. Katie,
    Go easy on yourself! Its no wonder you feel this way with all you've been through! No Mom is supermom, but you are great one! God is there with you! Cry out to Him whenever you need to, no matter where you are! Jer: 29:11
    I am praying for all of you!
    Love,
    Jennifer

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