Friday, July 24, 2015

Barriers

When we set up barriers in our lives, it's usually in an effort to keep from feeling something. Currently, Levi has so many uncontrollable barriers set up that it frustrates our ability to connect and really feel like a normal mother and son. His splints, cords, and attached technology make it difficult to simply carry him around like a newborn babe, and my natural maternal guilt causes an unwanted detachment from him. Thankfully, I have become more comfortable disconnecting and disassembling him at various moments, with the approval of his pediatrician, and allowing myself more opportunities to trust my instincts and love on my little one without all the barriers. I know that others have walked in my shoes before, and I know it's possible to live a semi-normal (albeit tired) life with Silas and Levi right now, but I think the uncertainty of Levi's future keeps us all a little more tense. If we just let go of the protective barriers and realize that none of our children's lives, let alone our own, is certain, we begin to adjust to a purposeful life filled with hiccups and surprises. While some barriers are beneficial- those that protect Levi's immune system for example, others simply wedge a gap between ourselves and the goodness God has placed all around us. Likewise, such barriers hinder our ability to really find joy in the present life God has given us. I think that's why many people guard themselves against God all together. They fear life might sting, or worse become all about rules. Rather, there's freedom in being able to bare all before the Creator when your life does expectantly ends. It's worth at least letting go of a few walls in order to see the magnificent view on the other side.

Be warned... there are no barriers in our basement because apparently there's no gravity!

Spaceship building is always fun during paternity leave!

With Matthew back to work, God continues to show me that the impossible is truly possible with Him. While I may have to continue to ask for favors, let go of a few maintenance rituals, and set my goal/task expectations a bit lower, I am seeing that day by day, I will figure this whole thing out. I mean going to the grocery store today with both boys by myself really wasn't any different from other moms with two kids under two, except that I tagged along a pulse ox monitor, doctor's file folder, replacement g-tube kit, and travel oxygen tank. But really that's not all that much considering. :)

Matthew and Silas two years ago.
Silas and Levi today.... it's all worth it because life really is just a breath.
~Barrier Buster

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