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Doubt it



Why is it that so often when we get exactly what we've been asking for, we begin to doubt it's actually a good thing? Maybe it's just me, but too often when one of my wishes comes true, I believe it's "too good to actually be true." When that perfect guy comes along, we know that there's some secret we have yet to uncover. When our toddler finally sleeps in a little late, we decide it's a bad sign, and he must be coming down with a new virus. When our little Levi is finally on the "low flow" (last stage of oxygen) I hold my breath and wait for him to get "too tired" again and end up back on the ventilator.

Yes that's right.... for the past 24 hours, little Levi has been on the "low flow," or the "old man tank" as I like to call it, with just fractions of 100 percent oxygen streaming in his nostrils.

Instead of jumping for joy, I became the proverbially "doubting Thomas." In reality this is just a heart guarding mechanism that we all possess. If you've ever been disappointed, suddenly taken back, or sadly shocked, you begin to guard your heart in such a way that can make you cynical. It's like those callouses I thought I was building up for the last leg of the marathon. However, if the callouses end up on your heart instead of your heals, there ends up little joy at the finish line.

After celebrating Levi's supposed due date on Saturday, with some non-dairy angel food cake, we've witnessed Levi hit a small stride! It's all very encouraging, yet there are still a ton of enigmas floating around our baby's hospital bed. As I watched another hall-mate move their infant up to the seventh floor, and as I ask for yet another parking pass extension, I must choose to celebrate our small victories instead of moaning over our future hurdles.

One of my favorite books of the Bible  (besides first John) is Ecclesiastes because I think I could read it a thousand times and still be mind boggled. However, one of the over-arching themes centers around the idea that there is really no contentment in this life without God. It says that we should enjoy the "lot" we are given; otherwise we will keep chasing after some "better" tomorrow that doesn't exist.

 

So I count my blessings- 
Levi is getting better by the day!
I could eat him up sometimes (and he's dairy free!)
Levi also had another successful eye exam. He doesn't need another one for a month this time!
Silas can be the sweetest boy ever sometimes!
One of our best friends ever!
The train "conductor" can play at his station for hours on end!
 

We continue to pray hard:

- The blood work results regarding muscular issues won't be back for another week! Patience is a true virtue, but time can be a blessing too!
- Levi may begin the swallow study this week if doctors think he's ready, and I've been warned not to get my hopes up- that he may have a "very difficult time eating" and need a lot of therapy if not a more permanent feeding tube (which would be better than surgery).
- Levi is going to see an orthopaedic doctor this week regarding his hand and feet. He may have some nerve damage in his hand.
- Levi needs to stay strong lung-wise so that we can continue to progress towards getting him home.
- Levi is still on several different meds. Praying that as he weens from these meds, he doesn't struggle respiratory-wise.

Thank you so much for your prayers and love!

~Doubting Buster

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