Saturday, March 14, 2015

Update #3

The past few days have proven to be times of sincere pruning. While there is always a way to focus on the positive and recognize things could be worse, I honestly didn't have the hormonal stability or restful rationality to find that perspective Thursday night. It was one of only times in my life that I've been angry with God. For that reason, I couldn't feel His peace and presence while I stubbornly shook my fist.
It all occurred because our poor sweet first born was struggling with way more than he could handle too. Not only is he getting some new teeth, but it turns out he has a sinus infection. Thus, he couldn't use his trusty pacifier that he still wants to go to sleep. He was exhausted from lack of sleep, throwing two-year old tantrums, angry that we had been away, sad I couldn't pick him up in a standing position, couldn't eat much of anything, and struggled to sleep. Oh and he has been potty training the last month too!  This kid is actually incredible if I think about it. Praise God I had others praying for our family when I was too tired to say anything but "Please God." Two days later and I believe he's weened himself from needing a pacifier and antibiotics are starting to kick in!
It was just one of those valleys we all walk through when we can't yet see the light and God is there holding us the whole time like sweet newborns. I felt so helpless though. I could do nothing to help either of my children, and I felt like I was failing in every aspect of life. Sounds dramatic, but let's be honest, the hormones and sleeplessness can take it's toll. I'm so thankful my level-headed husband can whisper truth and my friends and family can send love notes on my behalf.
I keep thinking of Job in the Bible with all he had going on, all the heartache and retracted gifts. Then his wife pretty much curses his life, and his response: "Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?"   Such an honest and truth-filled response.  I mean do I really expect to have only good things in my life?  That's not reality, and that's not what I deserve. I'm so thankful that I can grow through this while God carries me, even with my displaced anger.
On our precious LEVI-  there isn't anything really new to report, but I did get to hold him yesterday!  There aren't really words to express what this was like. When you have a child way sooner than your suppose to, and you come home without that child as if it was all a bad dream, it feels like you should still have that baby inside you. I thought every little stomach pain could be the him moving. Then, you remember that's impossible. When they put that precious, tiny boy in my arms (tubes and all), as challenging as it was for the nurses to gently place him without hindering any wires, it felt like I got my arms back. It felt like I had been forgetting something every minute of the day and I finally found what I was looking for. He quietly breathed on my chest in a little ball and everything felt right again. That's where he was suppose to be.
I still have moments where it feels like we are missing a part of our family, but I relish in the ones I have, hug them tight, and ask God to cover my Levi with his arms while I am away from him.
Thank you so much for your constant love and support. If we've forgotten to thank you for a meal, neglected to return a phone call, or accidentally skipped an email, know that it is not because we don't care. We are so grateful for each of you, and hope to shower you with the same love you've shown us this past week!
Happy 1 week birthday baby Levi. We love you!
Prayer requests:
1. That Levi would be strong enough to stay off his ventilator soon.
2. Levi's brain scan on Monday.
3. Levi's feet and hands during PT
4. Silas' sinus infection and adjustment
5. Matthew and my rest and peace

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