After an amazing day of holding my little Levi and hearing great news, we are now in the rough. These are the bumps that require us to hold our cross tightly. Today was a tough day. Levi didn't do so well off the ventilator, so they are having to re-intubate him as I type. I happen to be there right after he was extubated, and I had to hold back emotion while watching him "forget to breathe" for fear that they would ask me to leave.
My heart ached thinking about all that we are asking Levi to do at an age where he is not suppose to be able to accomplish such tasks. I thought for a moment how hard and broken this world is, and maybe Levi just wanted to rest in peace and not join it, and I would completely understand if that was God's will. These are the true confessions of a mother who has not yet welcomed her baby into her world.
Levi, here's what your mommy wrote to you yesterday.
Sweet Baby Levi,
You decided to make a grand entrance into this broken world just 18 days ago. While scary and unexpected, I am so glad you are here. God has such a great purpose in your coming early, and I believe He has amazing plans for your future. I know that you probably won't care to read this journal like a daughter might, but I want you to know how loved you are, and your young momma needs a place to think and process all that we are going through as a family.
Silas has certainly struggled with your arrival along with many other coinciding changes. It's strange that for the last two years he's held all of my maternal heart. But now, instead of a life and heart divided, I feel as though I have grown a whole new heart. My Levi heart is big and growing. You are such a fighter Levi Joseph Smith. Not only did you come two weeks after I lost another baby to miscarriage, but we thought we lost you multiple times at the beginning of my pregnancy.
You continue to fight to be in this world, and I can't help but believe Go wants to save other lives through yours.
When I think too much about you, I get a little sad because I'm not there holding you, comforting you, protecting you, and giving you all you need to survive in this world. I'm having to trust and rely on others I barely know to watch over you. Yet, this is one of life's greatest lessons because you have never belonged to me. You are God's and God's alone. He created you and entrusted you to our family for a time. I have the honor of being your mommy while on Earth, but I know it is really God that holds you and provides you with the comfort and protection you need.
I will disappoint you from time to time, and I won't always be available at the moments you want. This is practice that I know you'll adjust better to than most because of your unique beginning here.
I pray you know your loving Creator intimately and trust His guiding hand every step of the way.
I know you will teach me just as much as I teach you, and I thank God for that. We are both surprise second born children so we will have our own bond in this life.
You are loved, adored, and prayed for every day sweet Levi. Mommy loves you!