Coffee CubBuster

I have had so many people thank me for my honesty on this blog lately. I haven't really thought about my level of truthfulness until those remarks of gratitude were given. I think I naturally wear my heart on my sleeve, and thanks to my upbringing, I often hear the term TMI, which just means I'm obviously not scared to express myself. However, I also believe that when you are going through something difficult, it's much easier to be raw and real in front of others, even complete strangers. Often times, it is these "real" moments that bridge the gap between hearts and allow us to live truth. I must confess, this marathon is really all over the place. It's like I hit mile 7, and I can't believe I'm only at mile 7! This past weekend, I felt covered in prayer, peace, and love. Matthew and I enjoyed a much needed date night, our little Levi enjoyed a quiet and restful weekend, and our big boy had a blast at our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt.  I really ju...

After an amazing day of holding my little Levi and hearing great news, we are now in the rough. These are the bumps that require us to hold our cross tightly. Today was a tough day. Levi didn't do so well off the ventilator, so they are having to re-intubate him as I type. I happen to be there right after he was extubated, and I had to hold back emotion while watching him "forget to breathe" for fear that they would ask me to leave. My heart ached thinking about all that we are asking Levi to do at an age where he is not suppose to be able to accomplish such tasks. I thought for a moment how hard and broken this world is, and maybe Levi just wanted to rest in peace and not join it, and I would completely understand if that was God's will. These are the true confessions of a mother who has not yet welcomed her baby into her world. Levi, here's what your mommy wrote to you yesterday.  Sweet Baby Levi,  You decided to make a grand entrance into this broken...

Today I had an official "case management" team meeting at Northside, so I basically received a lot of great info on how to be a Levi care expert from every department caring for our little man. So many have asked for specific updates, but there are a lot of two steps forward and one step back at this stage of his care; thus, there hasn't been a lot worth mentioning until now. LEVI UPDATE: Levi is suppose to get his PIC line out today! This is a praise because it means he's getting enough calories from his feeds and doesn't need an additional IV for fluids and other supplements. One less wire coming out of him! Levi started on steroids last night to help develop his lungs a little more, and the doc thinks they will be able to try him off the ventilator in the next few days! The hole in his heart is smaller, but apparently not a issue for him right now! Levi's PT believes that he will simply need splints and therapy for the beginning of his life and wo...

I remember when I was in high school and in order to become an official certified lifeguard, part of the training included treading water in the deep end of a pool for like three minutes while holding a brick above my head. If my arms came down at all, I had to start over. That's kind of how I felt the last two weeks. I was simply treading water. When Saturday arrived, I felt like I finally found a sandbar. Not only did Silas finally end his fever spell, but I was able to drive again. Levi seemed to have a couple good days, and I've allowed myself to pick up Silas for "essential" moments. I think we all felt like a family again, so everyone was in higher spirits this weekend. Part of me feels sad feeling like a family though, because we are still missing one important member...... all in God's timing though. I might still be in the middle of the ocean trying to find my way home, but at least I found a sandbar for a few days. I really wanted to make a "R...

There are those times when I'm pumping around the clock, or when my little man is napping that I wonder what I should be doing. I usually have a host of things I'm crossing off a list at any given moment, but lately I've felt almost dumbfounded. Should I catch up on something, do laundry, eat, sleep, check on our expenses, pray, read, write, cry, laugh, call someone? It is those moments that I realize my heart and spirit are trying to catch up with all the changes that have flooded my mind these past two weeks. I went for a desperate walk the other day and just tried to focus my thoughts. I realized that I actually wouldn't trade places with anyone right now. As hard as it's been, I feel like this is really living. I really don't want an easy life, cause that just means I'm not going to have much to offer those who are hurting; plus, I've seen more goodness in the past couple of weeks and felt more purposeful than I have in a long time. I can see life ...

Any work that takes strength, stamina, and long-suffering endurance hurts the most in the beginning before the callouses are formed. I'm starting to feel those callouses form on my fingers, knuckles, feet, and knees, which helps the marathon not hurt so much. However, I sincerely pray that my heart doesn't callous over during the process. I want it to remain soft, malleable, and open like my sweet Levi's heart is currently. We had a couple days of respite after my last update. Saturday night and Sunday seemed to be steady and sweet as both my boys found some rest. I've learned that no news is good news. Then yesterday another hill was digging yet another callous. Long story short, we ended up at the ER Monday night because Silas had a temperature of 103 and was very lethargic. After some Tylenol though, it came down to 99 and the wait to be admitted was ridiculous so we brought him home and just took him to his doctor today. When he has Tylenol in his system you...

The past few days have proven to be times of sincere pruning. While there is always a way to focus on the positive and recognize things could be worse, I honestly didn't have the hormonal stability or restful rationality to find that perspective Thursday night. It was one of only times in my life that I've been angry with God. For that reason, I couldn't feel His peace and presence while I stubbornly shook my fist. It all occurred because our poor sweet first born was struggling with way more than he could handle too. Not only is he getting some new teeth, but it turns out he has a sinus infection. Thus, he couldn't use his trusty pacifier that he still wants to go to sleep. He was exhausted from lack of sleep, throwing two-year old tantrums, angry that we had been away, sad I couldn't pick him up in a standing position, couldn't eat much of anything, and struggled to sleep. Oh and he has been potty training the last month too!  This kid is act...

  Tonight I walked through the halls of Northside Hospital for a few quiet moments as I tried to digest all that has happened in the last 72 hours. There are times when I feel completely unsure of why so many people have wanted to help me and my family. I wonder why because I think that we haven't experienced any more than anyone else. There are so many around the world facing unimaginable pain that makes my heart hurt. My current troubles don't seem any more significant. Yet, then I realize that if I were watching someone else go through the uncertainty of losing a child, gaining a disabled child, missing a child, or physical discomfort of any kind, I realize that I'd want to love on that person in any way that I could too. But let me please say that each of you has touched Matthew, me and our boys in ways we cannot express. I know this new journey of hospital visits is just beginning, but I'm so filled with love tonight that I find m...

There are so many things running through my mind at this moment, (for which I'm sure there will be additional blogs) but I felt like I needed to at least put up pictures to document the monumental occasion that occurred this past weekend. We have another little boy in the Smith family. Levi Joseph Smith was born on March 7 at 11:55 am weighing in a 2 pounds 5 ounces and 14 inches long. While he was anxious to join the world at 28 weeks old, he is a fighter, and we have never felt so blessed by the miracle of what it takes to grow a child. One of the harder lessons I've learned this past week is what a mother goes through when splitting up time between two children. I have a new appreciation and respect and really a burdened heart for moms of little ones who have to be in hospitals for extended periods of time. Trying to explain to Silas why I can't come home and why I can't pick him up has broken me a few times, but I am also extremely amazed at how God has provided r...