I've been struck recently... both metaphorically and literally. My eldest child tends to expound all of his built up energy or excitement in the form of physical abuse. Don't get me wrong, he is definitely a softy and loves affection, but like any normal boy (as I'm coming to comprehend) hitting, kicking, jumping, throwing, and the like seem to be a sign of joy for him. He is now of the age when he understands the difference between intentional hitting and uncontrollable excitement, but we are having to remind him that taking out his energy on others can really hurt! Just yesterday when the snow began to fall at our house, Silas acted out throwing a snow ball twice. Once he threw a very real but broken blackberry at my body (thankfully there was a pillow in between us!) and was instantly reprimanded. The second enactment involved his hand across my face. He began to snuggle and apologize instantly. Although I knew it was not malicious, I began to cover my face pretending to cry and continued to childishly hold a grudge at him because I knew that it would upset him more than anything else I could do.
That's when the metaphor began to unfold in my mind. If God is my Heavenly Father and any "ugliness" in my heart hurts Him like a slap in the face, what would it be like if He continued to hold a grudge against me trying to make me feel constantly guilty? That idea pained me to even propose. God grants me instant forgiveness the moment I apologize. No matter how many times I childishly throw snowballs at Him (real or fake), He knows I'm still learning and accepts me just the way I am. He loves helping me grow into a better person who knows how to control those hurtful tendencies. Why couldn't I extend the same grace to my sweet son? I could, and I did. And although we didn't have much snow for real a real snowball fight, we had fun getting wet, muddy, and later chocolaty!
Also, we scheduled a follow-up with ENT because most of his spit up seems related to the mucus build-up in his respiratory system. We'll go in a couple weeks and hopefully know more then.
Please also pray for his little heart (and mine). I'm so very thankful that Levi seems to be cognitively age appropriate, but we are seeing the beginning struggles with his desire to do things that he can't physically do. He's pulling at his hand splint at night because it bothers him. He's waking up because he hates having on his leg braces. He flips on his back and can't flip back to his stomach very well. He seems frustrated with having to wear them, but he also just wants to crawl and move but can't yet. He is interested in playing with his feeding bag and likes to pull the excess cord and put it in his mouth! All of this is concerning, yet all of it means his little brain is working properly! The hope and prayer is that we'll eventually be able to move all his feeds to daylight hours, and like most babies learning new movements, eventually they won't be new and exciting anymore.
Thank you so much for your love and prayers! More than anything, we are just blessed!