When we met the other day, she was still the same sweet, sensitive heart, but she had lost everything about her identity.
Not only has her life spiraled into chaos and confusion, but she believes in nothing and everything. At times careless, at times homeless, and at times lifeless, she graciously opened her heart to me once again as she seemed desperate to expunge some of her deepest shame.
With all the love I had, I sought to understand and comfort without agenda or judgement. One thing truly struck me though. She explained that after many years of over-analyzing, over-stressing and over-thinking her decisions to the point of migraines, she now believes that following one's feelings and emotions is the best way to live. In other words, if it feels good, it must be right.
I enthusiastically and equivocally disagreed. I told her that we can't trust our thoughts or emotions because both are so unpredictable and unstable. Lack of sleep, hormones, environments, and simple daily circumstances can change all of our thoughts and feelings at any moment.
I decided to open up and confess my own sin as she had so graciously done.
I told her that if I always trusted my thoughts or feelings to guide me, at this point in my life, I probably would have hurt or killed one of my children, cheated on my husband, and maybe even taken my own life. It may sound dramatic, but I'm sure we can all agree that even for a split second if we became the "Yes Man" to whatever felt good, we'd all commit similar crimes.
She was then baffled and asked how I live if I can't follow my own thoughts and emotions. I said that I believe that I must have a "True North" so to speak. I need someone that is perfect in every way to guide every one of my decisions. Someone whose "thoughts are not my thoughts" and whose "ways are not my ways." Someone who never ever changed. God granting me His son and His Spirit is the only way I can proceed in life. Once I pray and take steps forward trusting His guidance, I can rest assured that peace and purpose will reign for the good no matter the circumstances.
I continue to remind myself of my own words these past few weeks, which have been a little more draining than we would have chosen on our own. In any given day, Levi goes through at least three outfits (I go through a few myself), at least ten burp cloths, five bibs, and usually a linen change or carpet clean. This is all due to the fact that Levi's spitting up is outrageous. We are talking pools or lakes, not simple streams or rivers. I have another child, so I know what "normal" spit up it is like. This is a whole different monster. Thankfully, he's what doctors call a "Happy Spitter." It doesn't seem painful for him, so hopefully no acid is hurting his esophagus. However, we have now seen a new GI doctor, who had some great insight. Because Levi's weight gain as slowed down significantly, we are trying different kinds of meds to speed up his stomach muscles to get the food down quicker before he can feel it and want to throw it up. We have a few routes we can take so that we aren't putting him under the knife again. I am thankful for this new doctor, and I am hopeful Levi will not let this new bump slow him down. When he's not throwing up (which can span over an hour on and off both during and after a feed), he's the sweetest, happiest, most chill baby I've ever met.
Thank you for continuing to pray for him and our family as we figure out the best forms of care for our little man.
No matter what a day brings, we have to seek God to give us a good perspective and help us enjoy the moments. One great byproduct from all this spit up and doctor's visit is that I actually feel like we are soaking up the true meaning of the season! We don't have much left over time for the distractions, so we have to stick to the point! I love this time of year, and I love it even more with three sweet guys in my life.
|Nothing like a good cookie mess to make you smile.|
|I love that this little man can sleep anywhere at any time.|
|At a local battle field, I told Silas to make a battle face as I tried to explain what the word meant.|
|But we could never battle for long.|